Soft Spaces Therapy Presents

Feeling in High Definition

Stories, Science, and Solidarity at the Borderline

A community resource emerging from Stories That Hold Us
Opening Letter

To whoever is holding this —

Everywhere I looked, Borderline Personality Disorder was being managed and contained. It was described in symptoms, reduced to behaviours, and treated like a problem to solve. What was missing was the question that felt most obvious to me: what happened to you, and what are you still carrying?

So this is not a manual on BPD. It is not a guide to fixing yourself. It is a collection of voices, questions, and research that take emotional intensity seriously instead of trying to shrink it.

BPD does not exist in a vacuum. It takes shape inside systems that harm and abandon people. Many people who receive this diagnosis have lived through trauma, neglect, control, or chronic invalidation. Research has consistently shown that a large proportion report histories of abuse. And yet, the dominant response is still to individualise the distress.

We are told the problem is instability. Too much feeling. Too much need. Too much reaction.

But what if these responses make sense?

What if anger, panic, attachment, and fear are not signs of brokenness, but signs of a nervous system that learned to survive in unpredictable conditions?

This magazine sits with that possibility.

I didn't come to this work from the outside looking in. I came in through the back — through a locked psychiatric ward that smelled of antiseptic and contained no art. Through fluorescent waiting rooms where I learned to make myself smaller. Through crisis helplines at 3am where the hold music played like a long, indifferent apology.

I have lived with bipolar disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, ADHD, and complex PTSD for most of my adult life. I know the ways a diagnosis can save you — give shape to what felt formless, crack open a door to something called treatment. And I know the ways it can wound: the way a word in a file becomes the lens through which every person after reads you.

This magazine grew from a group I facilitated called Stories That Hold Us. Fourteen people — queer, neurodivergent, Indian, young, surviving — came together online over five weeks. They wrote. They witnessed each other. They said things nobody had ever asked them to say. Not to be fixed. Not to be assessed. But to be heard differently. The change in the room when the question shifted was tectonic.

The title belongs to one of them. Said mid-session: I don't think I'm unstable. I think I feel things in HD. That sentence sat in my chest for days. Because it named exactly what the clinical system had been calling a disorder — and reframed it as a quality. A form of perception so precise and wide-ranging that most frameworks are not built to hold it.

One practical note: this is not a replacement for therapy or crisis care. If something surfaces that you cannot hold alone, please reach out. Crisis resources are at the top of every page and collected at the back. We built it that way. We are all, still, building ourselves out of what the world tried to make us.

This magazine is part of that work.

With love and mad hope —
Meghna Prakash (she/they)
Co-founder, Soft Spaces Therapy
· Neuroqueer · Mad Liberation Psychologist

Understanding BPD

Not a Character Flaw. A Story About Survival.

Before the symptoms, before the label — what is actually being described? And what does the naming leave out?

Ask Yourself →

If someone described BPD to you before this magazine — what did they say? Was it accurate? Whose story did it centre?

BPD is one of the most stigmatised diagnoses in psychiatry. It is also one of the most treatable — which almost nobody mentions. Zanarini et al. (2003) followed patients for six years and found 74% achieved remission. That number should be in every intake room, every crisis service, every clinical note. It rarely is. What gets passed around instead is the reputation: volatile, untreatable, manipulative. That reputation is a clinical failure, not a clinical fact.

What the DSM-5 Says — and What It Misses

What the criteria name What they rarely acknowledge
Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment A nervous system calibrated by actual abandonment, repeatedly, over years
Unstable, intense relationships An extraordinary capacity for connection and loyalty — when safety exists
Identity disturbance What happens when you had to become whoever the room needed before you developed yourself
Self-damaging impulsivity Attempts to regulate a system that developed without the right tools
Emotional instability and reactivity High-resolution emotional perception — the feeling was accurate; the environment made it unmanageable
Intense, often inappropriate anger Often: appropriate anger, with nowhere safe to put it
Chronic feelings of emptiness What remains when dissociation and performance took the place of selfhood

Key Statistics

74% achieve remission within 6 years (Zanarini et al., 2003)

Up to 70% report childhood trauma (Herman, 1992)

Higher rates in queer & gender-nonconforming populations (Rodriguez-Seijas et al., 2020)

Systematically misdiagnosed in women and trauma survivors

BPD in the Indian Context

For many in our group, the path to diagnosis involved years of misattribution — character flaws, drama, "too sensitive." Joint family structures, caste dynamics, gendered silences, and psychiatric stigma all shape how BPD is experienced — and whether it is ever named at all. This is the context the clinical literature rarely reaches.

Your feelings were never the problem. Your feelings were the most accurate thing you had.

If You Have BPD

What BPD Actually Feels Like

Most descriptions of BPD focus on symptoms. This section focuses on experience — what it feels like in the body, in relationships, and in ordinary moments.

Some of this may feel uncomfortable to read. That's okay. You can take breaks. This is not a race.

BPD is often described from the outside — as a list of behaviours, a pattern of instability, a diagnostic category. What that description rarely captures is the texture of living inside it. The way ordinary moments can shift without warning. The way a slight change in someone's tone can feel like the floor dropping out. The way you can feel so much at once that naming any single feeling is impossible.

In the Body

Emotions arrive physically — in the chest, the stomach, the throat. Intensity can feel like heat, pressure, or static. When something shifts relationally, the body often registers it before the mind has caught up. This is not metaphor. It is how a nervous system shaped by chronic stress actually functions.

In Relationships

Closeness and fear often arrive together. You can love someone deeply and simultaneously brace for them to leave. This is not contradiction — it is the logic of attachment formed in environments where love and loss were entangled. Research confirms that many people with BPD report early experiences of relational instability, abuse, or neglect (Herman, 1992; Zanarini et al., 2003).

In Ordinary Moments

A cancelled plan can feel like proof of abandonment. A compliment can feel suspicious. An unanswered message can take up more space than the rest of the day. These responses are not irrational — they are learned. They developed because attention to small signals was once necessary to stay safe.

In the Good Moments Too

Feeling things intensely is not only about pain. It also means beauty lands harder. Loyalty runs deeper. Joy, when it arrives, is not diluted. The same nervous system that makes distress overwhelming makes aliveness vivid. This is the thing most clinical descriptions miss entirely.

Research Context

Research shows that up to 70–80% of people diagnosed with BPD report histories of trauma or abuse (Herman, 1992; Zanarini et al., 2003). Long-term studies show that many people with BPD see significant improvement over time, especially with relational support — 74% achieve remission within six years (Zanarini et al., 2003).

In India, access to trauma-informed care is limited, especially for queer, disabled, and lower-caste communities. What psychiatry calls 'dysregulation' is often the nervous system doing its best to survive. Strong emotions are not random. They often come from histories of harm, neglect, or control.

Three People. Recognisable Lives.

Composite portraits drawn from group experience. Names are fictional. The rest is not.

Ask Yourself →

These are composite portraits — drawn from the group's shared experience, not any one individual. If you recognise yourself here, that's the point.

Zara, 26

Mumbai · Creative Professional · Queer · Self-diagnosed, later confirmed

Zara first learned the word "borderline" from a Tumblr post at 22. She laughed. Then cried for an hour. Not because it was devastating — because it was accurate. She had been describing herself as "too much" for so long that seeing a clinical framework name it felt, briefly, like relief. Until she told her family.

"They said 'that explains a lot.' Like every fight we'd ever had now had a cause, and the cause was me." She spent two years navigating the gap between what the label named and what it missed: the way she could feel beauty so acutely it made her chest ache. The loyalty that made her hold on past the point of reason. The creativity that came directly from her capacity to feel at full volume.

"I don't want to not feel this much. I want a world that can hold it."

Composite portrait. Names and identifying details are fictional.

Rohan, 29

Bengaluru · Software Engineer · First-generation urban professional · Diagnosed at 27

Rohan describes his childhood as "perpetually on alert." His father's moods were unpredictable. His mother's love was conditional on performance. By school, he had a gift: he could read a room before he entered it. Know what was needed. Become it. "Everyone thought I was easy to be around. Because I'd already become whoever they needed before I walked in."

At work, the same intelligence that kept him safe at home became a liability. He absorbed every microexpression, every Slack tone, every meeting silence as data. He burned out twice before he understood what was happening.

"The hypervigilance kept me alive at home. Nobody told me it would follow me everywhere."

Composite portrait. Names and identifying details are fictional.

Maheep, 24

Delhi · Postgraduate student · Survivor · Living with BPD, ADHD, and Complex PTSD

Maheep was 16 when she first tried to explain to a school counsellor what was happening at home. The counsellor told her she was being dramatic. She was 20 when a psychiatrist gave her a diagnosis and handed her a pamphlet about DBT. "Nobody asked about my home. They just wanted to manage my reactions to it."

She carries three diagnoses that regularly interact: BPD's relational hypersensitivity, ADHD's rejection sensitivity, and the layered hyperarousal of C-PTSD. She has become her own expert in her own experience — because she had no choice.

"I am not difficult. I am complex. There's a difference, and it matters."

Composite portrait. Names and identifying details are fictional.

What Would Not Stay Silent

01

Emotional Intensity as Political Position

What got labelled disorder was, in many cases, also clarity. The anger that had been pathologised was frequently appropriate to genuine injustice. The grief called instability was real grief. The hypervigilance was a reasonable response to environments that were genuinely dangerous.

The intensity was information. The problem was never the feelings — it was the rooms they were carried into.

02

Loneliness Inside Relationships

Almost everyone in the group described profound connection — and profound isolation, simultaneously. The fear of abandonment does not always produce clinging. Sometimes it produces pre-emptive withdrawal: leave before you can be left. The loneliness, for most, was not about being alone. It was about being present and still not felt.

03

Medical Gaslighting — Named and Documented

Every person in the group had at least one story of a clinician who treated the diagnosis as a summary of character. "Attention-seeking." "Manipulative." "Non-compliant." These words cause lasting harm. Lewis and Appleby (1988) documented the systematic negative attitudes of psychiatrists toward BPD patients four decades ago. The attitudes have been slower to shift.

"I was told I was being dramatic. By a clinician. In a psychiatric unit. About my own inner life."

Group Participant

04

Gender, Queerness, and Who Gets Labelled

BPD is diagnosed in women at rates three times higher than men. Research consistently finds higher rates in queer populations (Rodriguez-Seijas et al., 2020; Smith et al., 2024). The question the group asked, repeatedly: not do we have more pathology? but what is the diagnosis actually measuring?

✦ Take This With You

For people with BPD — carry this with you

  • You do not have to explain your emotional experience to deserve care.
  • Your survival strategies made sense when you built them. They were intelligence, not flaws.
  • You can disagree with the diagnosis and still use what's useful in it.
  • Recovery does not have a standard shape. Yours counts regardless.
  • Grief that was labelled disorder was still grief. Anger called instability was still often appropriate.
  • You deserve practitioners who have read the research — and listened to people like you.
Co-Author Writings

Poems That Reckon With Lived Experience

These poems are published with each writer's permission, exactly as written. Nothing has been corrected. The clinical language belongs to the writers — their diagnosis, their vocabulary, their right to use or refuse.

Meghna Prakash — The Brain Can Sometimes Be Like The Weather
The Brain Can Sometimes Be Like The Weather
Mine is a heavy mist that blinds you in traffic, one where the car behind tumbles into you making you crash into the car before and there you are in the middle of the street, casualties piled on the side, do you look behind or stare ahead? Who do you blame for the bodies? Another 200 meters ahead, and you've forgotten you caused accidents, bad decisions of poor impulse control and speed how you escape every wreckage. I flee a collapsing castle with some memories of how I got out, I have no home, no identity empty or numb, makes no difference. Always on the move, so much to do so I can forget, only last week my bed swallowed me for fourteen hours a day, but everything still kept spinning like I was on display, a product that had to keep producing but could barely be. Having a mood disorder is like inviting death to sit on your lap but you change your mind halfway, feel the terror of it coming to you as you beg for an escape, you're so tired, but you're also so afraid of having left nothing behind, of no one missing you because you never mattered at all. I crush my skin like I do to garlic. I hope I leave a rotten stench.
— Meghna Prakash

Session 1 — Who Were You Before The Words

Shreeya Shastri (she/her)
Untitled
The part of me which feels defective says, "You fall ill so often, With tears in your eyes, you wail everytime, Maybe a part of you is broken, Perhaps it's something inherent that cannot change, It's just who you are, Your self-inflicted suffering is a cage." The part of me who knows that I'm adaptive replies, "You're not a machine, you're an organism in the wild, The beauty of wilderness has taught you adaptation and disguise, Don't see yourself as a capitalistic product, You are a fawn lying still to deter attack, A rabbit keeping your ears wide open to run at the slightest sound of danger, A pufferfish blowing up to look stronger, And a chameleon trying to blend into the background. You're not broken, You've just given your everything to survive, However, the thorns on your skin have started piercing into you too, But I know gently you will work it through, You've pushed through the soil to come out, Sprouting along the harsh seasons, Now is your time to bloom."
— Shreeya Shastri, Stories That Hold Us
Kirti Pai (she/her) — Writing #1
Untitled
I sensed injustice, looming like an eerie cloud of dread. It's time to let the blood pump, rush through the veins, pound on the heart. What is about to attack me? Where will it hit from? How will it creep onto me? What will it take away from me? I need to protect myself, From an enemy I can only feel. I can see a loved one before me, But I can only sense a threat — Do I make it stay or let it leave? Will I be okay with the loss Or will I have to change unwillingly? What poison do I choose — grief or pain? It's not sweet love or warm care that's about to rain. I am ready to fight this blurb of fear — It will never know how I can switch gears. Throw your arguments at me, I will fight tooth and nail. I will not even make sense but I will fight to my death. I do not care the outcome — stay or leave. But I need to protect myself more than anything else. What you don't know is that my fight is with myself. Fear and confusion has consumed me. All I know is — there is a fire I cannot put out. My words have hurt your soul, My insanity brought fear to your eyes. What you don't see is the cold, shuddering freeze in my body, Washing guilt down till my thighs. But I will still fight, tired and broken. The damage is done. Now it's all hopeless. To you, I made a fight with nothing to gain. To misunderstand me is to put me in pain I cannot explain.
— Kirti Pai, Stories That Hold Us
Kirti Pai (she/her) — Writing #2
Overthinking
Overthinking A term I detest with every fibre of my being. I hate it. I reject it. It's now a pet peeve. Who set the standard of thinking, and then overthinking? I was born just a thinker. I thought of sunshine, wind, blue skies, tall trees, Cartoon, stories, Christmas and simple joys in my dreams. Every day, slowly but surely, I was taught to stop thinking. Instead, anticipate. Anticipate the needs of others and fear taught me to read the room. Anticipate Uncle's needs, think how Aunty will judge us. Dad's home from work. Are his arms crossed or his eyebrows relaxed? Is he loud as always or unusually quiet? Is Mom hot in the kitchen? Should I help, or because I'm in her space, will she kick me out? The teacher said "Read all chapters before class." Surely, she would read them aloud in class again. I didn't. She chose me out of all and asked me to stand with my hands in the air. When it's pelted into my head, to look for needs I must anticipate, When I get belted for something I didn't imagine I must notice, When I get punished and humiliated for what I thought was wrong, When I forgot to think for myself, or know what are my needs, This is how I was wired, of course, I'll keep thinking. Over and over, again. Now, it's a problem? A pattern you want me to break?
— Kirti Pai, Stories That Hold Us
Kirti Pai (she/her) — Writing #3 (Work in Progress)
I was raised by chaos
I was raised by a mother who only wanted a son. There was never warmth of love, only the heat of uncontrolled anger and searing rage. Her need was to support me to have a better life she said, but why did she come home to kick and blame me for her bad day? I witnessed her capable of love, when she finally had a son. She has so much love in her — but it's just never was for me. It's not in my head, she called me a burden. Designed flawlessly, wrapped perfectly, Enough to pass the burden to someone else. She was so blind to my existence, she didn't see Her husband using me for his pleasure. She was so blinded by hate, She named me a whore. She made me feel ashamed of my own existence, She made me believe, If your own mother doesn't want you, who would?
— Kirti Pai, Stories That Hold Us
Nish (she/they)
Episode: Main Jo Hoon, Wo Mai Hoon Nahi
Genre: Period Drama Cast: Beloved Father, Dear Friends, Beloved Teachers Scene 1 (Primary School / Home with Dad) N — Why does everyone make fun of my name? Why do they say bad words? What did I do? D — Hmmm. Because I have learnt yet not trained, exposed or taught how to fight for myself. In the eyes of protection, sheltering. All I could learn was to say yes to everything, to avoid conflict and to get in good books, so guess what a father-child first lesson gonna be??? Woohoo!!! Bow down, say yes, smile to whatever, never say what you wanna say — and and and this will not only make you a "good person" but a hypocrite, pushover, people pleaser for free free free N — But just if... I want my friends not the bull… Scene 2 — Beloved Teachers N — I have a problem understanding why do I need to do it a certain way to solve something? Can we do it slower or any other way? T — What do you know? I AM TEACHER. I know what's best and since you can't understand it's your problem not mine :) And remember, since you devoted your time doing mostly nonsense, we will also have to make an example out of you!! Now not only we will label you as a menace but you are also awarded as hopeless and unfit. Woohoo!! Scene 3 — Dearest Friends F — You can't take a joke N — But it wasn't funny F — Do you wanna be our friend new kid? N — Desperately because the definition of being cool is being abusive, a bully, fuckboy, a player. I have seen the movies!! F — Then you will have to go through all these to be a part of our group. N — Buuuuut why me? I have already gone through a lot F — Exactly but look at you, so desperate to be friends with people who will change your life forever. Who will beat you down so bad, you would never wanna have friends again. Aaaaand not only this, it comes exclusively with bullying, calling names, threatening, power dynamics, financial dynamics at the cost of your legit sanity. Please thank us and give 5 stars in your future therapy for what "we" (wink wink) made you because we know you will say "yes" to being friends with us. Yayyy bffff ❤️❤️❤️
— Nish, Stories That Hold Us
Ajay (he/him) — Poem
Does it still make your heart ache?
Does it still make your heart ache? Remember the time you panicked when the train to your lover's heart left the station with the wrong passenger, while you fought with the ticket examiner to get in. Does it still make your heart ache? Remember when you used the yellow toy gun that spits flowers instead of fire on your lover, only to be branded a cheater. Does it still make your heart ache? Remember when your sweaty shirt carried blood stains and necks were chained to computers, due to which you could not complete the dissertation on Karl Marx. Does it still make your heart ache? Remember when you sought refuge in strangers who barely knew how wicked you were, and left you to your bones when you confessed about your crimes and punishments. Does it still make your heart ache? Remember when those who you trusted joined ranks with the military general of moral policing to teach you manners, when you believed in the emancipation of lonely hearts. Does it still make your heart ache? Remember when you wanted to be a filmmaker and expose how the world functions, for which you were stripped naked by the censor board. Does it still make your heart ache? Remember when you became a filmmaker and sold yourself to glamour and girls, as the scripts you wrote turned into rust on a 12-year-old's cupboard. Does it still make your heart ache? All those thoughts, Does it still make your heart ache?
— Ajay, Stories That Hold Us
Ajay (he/him) — Episode
Anxiety as Alarm
Write about an attachment pattern as an alarm system. Anxiety Describe: 1. What sets it off? 2. How loud is it? 3. What is it trying to prevent? 4. What does it get blamed for? 1. Major events in the world 2. It will be like a volcano about to erupt or blood boiling 3. Insecurity about having a place in the world 4. My high values and failure to practice all of it. "What This Alarm Has Correctly Predicted." The alarm has correctly predicted that whenever a major global event happens, something in my life goes wrong. I broke up with my first girlfriend during the 2018 floods. I am always having inner conflicts about how I am living my life when such things happen, this affects my personal relationships. "What It Was Never Taught to Expect." The alarm was never taught to expect that it is the reason why people only look at me as an emergency. Is it because the alarm sounds like an ambulance or a police jeep? If this alarm trusted me more, it might learn that it should stop when I am around people since its constant buzzing makes me paranoid.
— Ajay, Stories That Hold Us
Misha V. (she/her) — Day 1
Who I Was Before The Words
She was always a happy child I once heard someone say that about me. How I used to be — Before the loss and grief Before I lost my spark I was no longer in the room Before there was loss, depression "might be personality related" ADHD, BPD traits, dysregulated, different Searching for words to make sense There used to be — Creative, playful, imaginative Has imaginary friends Likes her time alone Makes homes in tiny lofts And calls them 'treehouses' Builds forts, bakes, and candle makes And paints at night, until day breaks.
— Misha V., Stories That Hold Us
Misha V. (she/her) — Day 2
If this feeling were a person
She visits regularly Even when I think I'm done for a while In rage — she screams, pushes people away Tests them, detests them Reinforcing the fortress Filling the cracks How did hope get in anyway? Rejection, we call her She comes at night She's scared of being turned away But often she's just deep fear Wearing her costume of the day.
— Misha V., Stories That Hold Us
Misha V. (she/her) — Day 3
Alarm System
Loudly, it starts ringing Sometimes without any event or anticipation I dread it's arrival It starts at the paint brush Analyzing every stroke Screaming "not good enough" It gets louder and pulls people in Then deafens their ears With "not good enough, not good enough" Not good enough for you. Never enough Has it ever been right? Is a question we ask Every. Single. Time. And Every. Single. Time We turn it off We ask the alarm to trust me So I can build up the courage to trust myself To trust that good work, and meaningful bonds Both take trust and time.
— Misha V., Stories That Hold Us
Misha V. (she/her) — Day 4
An Episode of My Life
Genre: Coming of Age. (Context: Written from the perspective of my partner's former home which I visited often during my college years and as I fell in love with him) she walked in today calmer, composed, confident I remember the first year, she used to be wary yet came back again and again and buried herself within these walls and the people slowly carving spaces for herself the second year, she moved closer to be on her own and yet closer to us she came for dinner bought flowers every week was more open After an accident stayed with us for a few months pulled down, yet trying to ground She learnt to love and to lean in The third year she moved away a bit further and took with her my favourite occupant But they both came by every month. This fourth year, they both have gone far. but as she promised the last resident She came back and hugged me — thank you for seeing me grow and containing me when I needed you the most.
— Misha V., Stories That Hold Us
Misha V. (she/her) — Day 5
On Meeting Myself, Once Again
I caught a glimpse of myself In one of the galleries at an art exhibition This artist I drowned with various questions Hoping I'd become her Wondering if I was her But from the future She travelled and made work based on it later Without a fancy studio, she experimented with tools from her kitchen Mountains, etched into a plate. A particular range and lake she visited "Do you do this full time?", I asked "When do you get your ideas? In the mountains, or on your way back?" She answered patiently She knew me My curiosity, wonder and doubts My experiments and wishes Without me having to say a word She shared more about herself Before she was whisked away for press While I lingered around her work a bit longer Unable to move, impressed.
— Misha V., Stories That Hold Us
For Loved Ones

For Those Who Stay — and the Ones Learning How To.

This section is for the partner, the parent, the friend who wants to understand and doesn't always know how.

A note before you search

The internet is full of content about BPD that will make you afraid of the person you love. Much of it is written by people who experienced harm in relationships and attributed it to a diagnosis. Reddit threads. YouTube videos titled "How to survive a relationship with a borderline." Forums that frame people with BPD as abusers by nature. That content will not help you understand your person. It will give you a vocabulary for suspicion instead of a language for connection.

Start here instead. And when you are ready for more, go to sources that centre the person with the diagnosis — not the fear of them.

Meghna Prakash
Bodies In Ruin
Should've known it would end in ruin, how we slept on the same bed, night after night our fingers interlocked, my ankle stretched against your thigh, our cats napping in the space between our bodies, your curls spread delicately on our sheets. Soon after, I kept looking for a crack, made one with my own fist, packed my boxes and moved to another city where I could wake without your scent and I wanted you to ask me to stay, just once, instead you slept for a week straight and didn't call because you didn't want your voice to tell me you missed me everyday, and instead sent me jokes on a text message of how soon we will meet again and the distance can do nothing to hurt us, you always carried me, even if I filled the crate with heavy stones or challenges to test your limit saying, let's see how long you stay instead of I'm scared that you'd leave if you see my scars, I am explosive with my poems and ugly sobs, but you said I wasn't bruised or battered, but in full bloom. You whispered it into the phone so many times that I believed it. Almost.
— Meghna Prakash

Five Myths That Do Real Damage

Ask Yourself →

Before you read on: which of these myths have you heard? Which have you believed?

The Myth The Reality
People with BPD are manipulative Most behaviours that look manipulative are desperate attempts to manage unbearable emotional pain. Manipulation requires premeditation and emotional distance. BPD produces neither.
BPD is untreatable This is demonstrably false. 74% of people achieve remission within six years (Zanarini et al., 2003). DBT, MBT, and narrative approaches have strong evidence bases.
BPD is just attention-seeking This framing pathologises a fundamental human need — to be seen, to be heard, to matter. Everyone seeks attention. People with BPD are doing so in contexts where they have learned that needs go unmet.
You have to walk on eggshells Clarity, consistency, and direct communication are more useful than constant caution. People with BPD generally respond better to honesty than to managed distance.
BPD is caused by bad parenting BPD emerges from a complex interaction of biology, temperament, and environment. Blame is not a useful clinical frame — and it does not help the person in front of you.

What Helps. What Harms.

What people with BPD most consistently say they need from loved ones

Consistency, not perfection. A nervous system calibrated to abandonment is looking for evidence that staying is possible. Give it that evidence, reliably, over time.

Direct, clear communication. "I need an hour, then I'm coming back" is different from disappearing. Say what you mean. Ambiguity activates the alarm.

Do not weaponise the diagnosis. "You're being borderline again" shuts down communication and shames. It doesn't help.

Ask what they need. "What would help right now?" beats trying to fix the feeling. Often what's needed is not a solution — it's presence.

Your needs matter too. Modelling that your needs are legitimate actually helps — it demonstrates that relationships can hold more than one person at once.

Patterns that escalate rather than connect

→ Threatening to leave during conflict — this activates the deepest fear and makes de-escalation significantly harder

→ Arguing about how they should feel rather than engaging with how they do feel

→ Making important decisions in the heat of an argument

→ Treating the diagnosis as a summary of the person rather than one part of their story

Not every silence means rejection. People can care about me and still need space. Conflict does not always mean abandonment.

✦ Before You Go

For the people who stay

  • Learning about BPD is a starting point, not a complete picture. This person is more than any diagnosis.
  • Your limits are valid. So are theirs. Relationships hold more than one person's needs at once.
  • Consistency, not perfection, creates safety. You don't have to get it right every time. You have to keep showing up.
  • "I need an hour, then I'm back" is not abandonment. It is clarity.
  • Ask what they need. Don't assume the answer is the same every time.
  • Modelling that your needs are real is part of a healthy relationship, not a threat to it.
For Practitioners

For Those Who Treat BPD. An Honest Section.

This is not a gentle critique. It is an accurate one. It comes from someone who has been on both sides.

Jamila Pithawala — she/her

Therapist, writer, neurodivergent person. Outsider Witness, Stories That Hold Us.

substack.com/@jamila03

Essay by Jamila Pithawala: When the System Gaslights — and Calls It a Diagnosis

It is worth pausing to ask what else those symptoms might be responding to.

It is not incidental that BPD is disproportionately diagnosed in women, queer people, and others who live at the intersections of marginalisation. Research consistently shows higher rates in sexual minority populations — a pattern that invites deeper examination of what the diagnosis is actually measuring (Rodriguez-Seijas et al., 2020; Smith et al., 2024).

Many of these individuals navigate repeated experiences of invalidation across multiple systems. When distress is shaped by layered oppression — in families, healthcare, education — it appears chaotic within clinical frameworks that prioritise regulation and conformity. The distress is not disordered. The context that produced it is.

"Unstable relationships are often framed as pathology. Yet relationships are rarely stable when safety, financial security, and acceptance are inconsistent or absent. For people living on the margins, relational instability may reflect context — not character."

Jamila Pithawala

Identity disturbance is another commonly cited feature. But in environments where exploration is discouraged and social scripts are rigid, a stable sense of self is difficult to cultivate. When safety is conditional, authenticity becomes risky. What is called identity disturbance may also be understood as the absence of spaces that allowed someone to discover who they are without consequence.

Intense anger is frequently labelled inappropriate. And yet anger can be a response to chronic injustice, silencing, and systemic violence. When boundaries are repeatedly crossed and protests are ignored, anger is the correct response. The problem is not the anger. The problem is the system that created the conditions for it — and then penalised the person for having it.

What we are calling Borderline Personality Disorder may, in many cases, be the most accurate response available to a person navigating genuinely unsafe circumstances — with an emotional system that was never given the conditions to develop any other tools. That is not disorder. That is survival. And survival deserves respect, not a diagnostic label that follows you forever.

An Open Letter: What Your Clients With BPD Need You to Know

First: thank you for being here. The fact that you are reading a liberation-oriented magazine about BPD suggests you are not the problem. But you work inside systems that often are, and this letter is about that.

The most harmful thing you can do is read the diagnosis before you read the person. We walk into your room carrying a word that has been used against us, often by people who were supposed to help us. We are watching — instantly — for whether you are going to do the same. Your first job is not assessment. It is safety.

The second thing: ask about our lives. What happened. Not just what we do when we're distressed, but what produced the distress. Many of us have been treated for the symptoms of trauma without anyone asking about the trauma. That is not treatment. It is management.

When we "resist" or "split" or become difficult in the room — that is information. We are showing you something live. It is an opportunity, not a problem to manage. Your countertransference is data. Use it. Take it to supervision.

Finally: believe us about our pain. Not conditionally. Not "I believe you feel pain, but let's look at whether your perception is accurate." Believe us. We have been disbelieved for so long that we have stopped trusting our own perception. You can help with that, or you can deepen it. The choice is yours.

Treatments That Have Actually Helped

Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT)

Linehan (1993). Strongest evidence base. Skills training in distress tolerance, emotion regulation, interpersonal effectiveness, and mindfulness. The group skill-building format is often as important as the individual therapy component.

Mentalization-Based Treatment (MBT)

Bateman & Fonagy (2004). Focuses on improving the capacity to understand mental states in oneself and others. Works with the relational patterns BPD produces in the therapeutic relationship itself, rather than treating these as obstacles.

Narrative Therapy

White & Epston (1990). Externalises the problem from the person. Asks: whose voice named this as a disorder? What alternative stories exist? Particularly powerful for reframing the diagnostic narrative and building identity outside of clinical language.

Somatic & Body-Based Approaches

Trauma is stored somatically. Talking therapies alone often cannot reach what was encoded before language, before conscious memory. Body-based approaches — including Somatic Experiencing and EMDR — address this directly.

✦ Practitioner Checklist — Before your next session

  • Am I reacting to this client's behaviour, or to the label in their file?
  • Have I asked about their life, not just their symptoms?
  • Is my 'difficult client' framing pointing me toward supervision?
  • Am I taking countertransference to supervision? If not — why not?
  • If I wouldn't say this to a client with depression, examine whether I should say it here.
  • Have I read the research on BPD remission rates recently?

What I Wish My Therapist Knew

These are composite statements drawn from group participants. They carry more clinical weight than any checklist because they come from inside the experience. Read them slowly.

  • "Don't tell me I'm overthinking. Ask me what I'm thinking about."
  • "When you cancel on me, my nervous system reads it as abandonment. Tell me you're coming back."
  • "I don't need you to fix the feeling. I need you to sit with me while I have it."
  • "The intake form asked me about symptoms. Nobody asked me what happened."
  • "I need you to be consistent more than I need you to be brilliant."
  • "I have spent my whole life performing okay. Please don't reward the performance."
  • "When I push you away, I am asking whether you will stay."

BPD at Work — Because We Deserve Workplaces Rooted in Dignity, Justice and Safety

Accommodations That Help (Self-Advocacy)

Written communication preferences — reduces ambiguity and the anxiety it produces

Advance notice of changes to schedules, tasks, or team structure

Clear, specific feedback — not vague or delayed

Flexible working hours or remote options during high-stress periods

A named point of contact for clarification when things feel unclear

The right to step away briefly during emotionally intense situations

What Managers and Employers Can Do

Communicate changes proactively and clearly

Deliver feedback in writing as well as verbally

Avoid last-minute changes where possible

Create explicit escalation pathways for conflict — so ambiguity doesn't do the damage

Recognise that high performance and high sensitivity often coexist

Treat emotional responses as information, not something to shut down

Priya works in content strategy at a mid-sized tech firm. She disclosed her BPD to HR after a panic episode during a town hall. Her manager now sends written meeting summaries within 24 hours, gives feedback in scheduled 1:1s rather than Slack, and agreed to a flexible start time on days after therapy. Priya carries three diagnoses. She is also among the highest performers on her team. These two facts coexist.

A Note on Writing Prompts and Access

The writing prompts in this resource are powerful clinical tools. And they assume a particular mode of engagement. For clients who find writing difficult — due to motor disability, literacy barriers, or dissociative states that make sustained writing hard — these prompts can also be spoken into a voice recorder, drawn, answered in conversation, or responded to through any other expressive form the person finds accessible. The medium is theirs to choose. The narrative therapy principle holds: the person's preferred mode of expression leads.

Meghna Prakash — All About Feelings
All About Feelings
They said: your feelings are disproportionate. They said: you are reacting to nothing. They said: try to be more reasonable. I thought about the first house. The way silence had a temperature there. The way I learned to read a room before I could read a book. Nothing is disproportionate when you know the size of what you were responding to. My feelings were never the problem. My feelings were the most accurate thing I had.
— Meghna Prakash
Resources

Books, podcasts, and a few things that helped us stay.

We chose these from work rooted in lived experience, community care, and resistance. How something is said matters as much as what is said.

Books — Stories, survival, and making sense of BPD

Lived Experience 📖 🎧

The Buddha and the Borderline — Kiera Van Gelder (2010)

A raw, honest memoir of living with BPD through DBT, Buddhism, and all the unexpected places healing arrives. One of the few books that centres the person's voice throughout.

Feminist Framework 📖

Trauma and Recovery — Judith Herman (1992)

The foundational text on complex trauma. Herman's argument that BPD is a trauma disorder, not a personality disorder, remains one of the most important challenges to the diagnostic paradigm.

Lived Experience 📖 🆓

Welcome to Me — Elyn Saks (2007)

A memoir by a law professor navigating severe mental illness in a world that expects silence. Quietly radical in how it insists on a full life alongside diagnosis.

Liberation Psychology 📖

Crip Kinship — Shayda Kafai (2021)

Explores disability justice, mad pride, and the radical possibilities of community care. Draws from queer of colour critique to ask what healing looks like when the system itself is the source of harm.

Liberation Psychology 📖

The Protest Psychosis — Jonathan Metzl (2010)

Documents how psychiatric diagnoses have been used to pathologise political dissent. Essential context for understanding what diagnostic labels do and who they harm.

Creative Nonfiction 📖 🎧

In the Dream House — Carmen Maria Machado (2019)

A memoir in the second person about psychological abuse within a queer relationship. The form enacts the disorientation of the experience. Vital for complex trauma.

Podcasts & YouTube

Podcast 🎧 🆓

Therapists in the Wild — BPD episodes

Clinicians discussing BPD from a humanised, non-pathologising framework. Useful for both practitioners and people with lived experience.

Podcast 🎧 🆓

The Lived Experience Educator Podcast

People with lived mental health experience discussing their advocacy and what they know that professionals don't. Consistently reframes the power dynamics of care.

Podcast 🎧 🆓

Therapy Chat — Trauma Episodes

Covers trauma, dissociation, and body-based approaches with accessible rigour. Useful for both clients and practitioners.

Write Your Story

Five Prompts. Your Page.

If you want to self-explore using narrative therapy prompts, this is your safe space.

These prompts were designed for a group but work alone. Use them when you're ready — and pause if something surfaces that you cannot hold alone. Crisis resources are at the top of every page.

Note: These prompts can also be spoken into a voice recorder, drawn, or answered in conversation with someone you trust. The medium is yours to choose.

1

Who Were You Before the Words

Write about yourself before any clinical language arrived. What you loved, what you built, what you played. Then: describe one coping strategy using a nature metaphor. What creature are you, in the wild?

2

The Feeling as a Person

Choose one emotion you experience intensely. Give it a name, a body, a personality. What does it want? What is it protecting? What would it say if it could speak?

3

What the Alarm Got Right

Think of a time your anxiety or hypervigilance responded to something real. Write the version of the story where the alarm was correct. What did it correctly predict? What was it protecting?

4

A Letter to Your Nervous System

Write a letter to your nervous system. Not to fix it — but to acknowledge what it has been carrying. What did it have to do to keep you alive? What does it deserve to know?

5

The Name for What You Are

Write your own definition of what it is to feel things in high definition. Not the clinical definition. Yours. What does it cost? What does it make possible?

Words to Return To

These emerged from the group's collective work. They are not instructions. They are permissions.

My feelings are intense. They are not permanent.
I am allowed to take up emotional space.
My emotions make sense in the context of my story.
I am more than my diagnosis.
Feeling abandoned does not mean I am abandoned.
I can hold multiple truths at once.
I can repair relationships when I make mistakes.
Not every silence means rejection.
I am allowed to ask for reassurance.
I can survive this feeling.
India — Crisis Support

If you need support right now

iCall — TISS Mumbai

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Vandrevala Foundation

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Tele-MANAS

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Research Commitment

Who This Missed — and What We Are Going to Do About It

Both cohorts of Stories That Hold Us ran in India, in English, with participants who had internet access, could engage in digital group settings, and lived in or near urban areas. That is a significant filter.

This is not a disclaimer. It is a commitment.

The people this resource did not reach — those in rural areas, those without access to English, those who cannot afford therapy, those whose experience of BPD is shaped by caste, class, or displacement in ways this cohort did not fully represent — are not gaps in the data. They are people whose stories deserve to be in rooms like this one.

Future iterations of this work will actively pursue language access, fee-free participation structures, and partnerships that bring narrative group work to the communities that need it most and have been least served by mental health systems. That is the direction this research is moving in. We are documenting it here so we can be held to it.

where pain & resistance meet care & community.

Soft Spaces Therapy was built for people who have been misunderstood by the very systems meant to help them. We work with those who feel deeply, who have survived complex histories, and who are often told they are "too much" or "too difficult" to treat. Our approach is trauma-informed, liberation-focused, and grounded in research. We do not separate your pain from the world you live in.

We look at how caste, patriarchy, ableism, and capitalism shape what you carry — and how those forces show up in your relationships, your body, and your sense of self. Therapy with us is collaborative and honest. We slow things down. We take your experiences seriously. And we work with you to build something more stable, more connected, and more livable — at your pace.

Website admin@softspacestherapy.in WhatsApp +91 99295 93546 @softspaces_therapy

References

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). APA Publishing. https://doi.org/10.1176/appi.books.9780890425596

Bateman, A., & Fonagy, P. (2004). Psychotherapy for borderline personality disorder: Mentalization-based treatment. Oxford University Press.

Bhatia, S. (2021). Decolonizing psychology: Globalization, social justice, and Indian youth identities. Oxford University Press.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. Basic Books.

Fonagy, P., & Target, M. (1997). Attachment and reflective function: Their role in self-organization. Development and Psychopathology, 9(4), 679–700.

Foucault, M. (1994). The birth of the clinic. Vintage Books. (Original work published 1963)

Gunderson, J. G. (2011). Borderline personality disorder. New England Journal of Medicine, 364(21), 2037–2042.

Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and recovery. Basic Books.

Lewis, G., & Appleby, L. (1988). Personality disorder: The patients psychiatrists dislike. British Journal of Psychiatry, 153, 44–49.

Linehan, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-behavioral treatment of borderline personality disorder. Guilford Press.

Ma, R., & Else-Quest, N. M. (2025). Destigmatizing borderline personality disorder with social justice and intersectional cultural humility. Personality and Mental Health. https://doi.org/10.1177/09593535241278213

Martín-Baró, I. (1994). Writings for a liberation psychology. Harvard University Press.

Richardson, L. (2000). Writing: A method of inquiry. In N. Denzin & Y. Lincoln (Eds.), Handbook of qualitative research (2nd ed., pp. 923–948). Sage.

Rodriguez-Seijas, C., Morgan, T. A., & Zimmerman, M. (2020). Is there a bias in the diagnosis of BPD among lesbian, gay, and bisexual patients? Psychiatric Services, 72(4), 357–363.

Rose, N. (1990). Governing the soul: The shaping of the private self. Routledge.

Schwartz, R. C. (1995). Internal family systems therapy. Guilford Press.

Shaw, C., & Proctor, G. (2005). Women at the margins: A critique of the diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. Feminism & Psychology, 15(4), 483–490.

Smith, C. M., Ternes, C., & Huber, A. (2024). A meta-analysis of sexual orientation and borderline personality disorder. Clinical Psychology Review, 108. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2023.102381

Spivak, G. C. (1988). Can the subaltern speak? In C. Nelson & L. Grossberg (Eds.), Marxism and the interpretation of culture. University of Illinois Press.

Ussher, J. M. (2011). The madness of women: Myth and experience. Routledge.

van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score. Viking.

White, M. (2007). Maps of narrative practice. W. W. Norton.

White, M., & Epston, D. (1990). Narrative means to therapeutic ends. W. W. Norton.

Zanarini, M. C., Frankenburg, F. R., Hennen, J., & Silk, K. R. (2003). The longitudinal course of borderline psychopathology: 6-year prospective follow-up. American Journal of Psychiatry, 160(2), 274–283.

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If something here brought up a lot, please reach out. Crisis numbers are at the top of every page. You don't have to carry it by yourself.

The People Behind This

T h e   p a s s i o n a t e   p e o p l e   b e h i n d   t h e   s c e n e s

Facilitator · Researcher · Concept · Design · Founder, Soft Spaces Therapyshe/they
Meghna Prakash

A neurodivergent queer liberation counselling psychologist, journalist, and poet working at the intersection of lived experience, clinical practice, and social justice. Their work integrates Narrative Therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), somatic approaches, and expressive arts. They specialise in complex trauma, Borderline Personality Disorder, and relational work, with a focus on how caste, patriarchy, ableism, and psychiatric systems shape mental health.

Meghna is the author of Trigger Warning (2023), holds an MSc in Counselling Psychology, and is completing a Diploma in Narrative Therapy (Dulwich Centre, Australia; Children First, India).

Outsider Witness · Co-Facilitator · Co-Founder, Soft Spaces Therapyshe/her
Shreeja Jain

A clinical psychologist who integrates art therapy and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) in her work with individuals and couples. She focuses on emotional processing, attachment, and relational dynamics, creating grounded spaces to explore shame, disconnection, and unmet needs. She holds an MSc in Clinical Psychology, is certified in Art Therapy, and trained in EFT (ICEEFT, Canada).

Concept · Outsider Witness · Essay Authorshe/her
Jamila Pithawala

A counselling therapist whose work is rooted in an intersectional, reflexive approach to mental health. She examines how family, gender, culture, and power shape distress, and works collaboratively with clients to hold complexity beyond diagnostic labels. substack.com/@jamila03

Counselling Psychologist · Couples and Family Therapist · Outsider Witnessshe/her
Saima Khan

A counselling psychologist and neurodivergent practitioner specialising in couples and family therapy. Her work is trauma-informed and systems-oriented, with a focus on how power, culture, and relational histories shape emotional experience.

Additional Credits

Conception, Design, Editing, Research & Writing — Meghna Prakash

Editorial Team — Saima Khan, Jamila Pithawala, Meghna Prakash, Shreeja Jain

Contributors

Nish she/they Queer writer and artist exploring identity, language, and survival.
Kirti Pai she/her Neurodivergent writer working with memory and emotional experience.
Misha V. she/her Neurodivergent queer artist and writer engaging with embodiment and selfhood.
Ajay he/him Neurodivergent writer and screenwriter focused on narrative and emotional depth.
Shreeya Shastri she/her Neurodivergent writer and therapist bringing together clinical insight and lived experience.